Goodbye Again
by AbayJ
Summary: It was goodbye time again. A CarJack 12/11 Eppy Rewrite.


**Title**: Goodbye Again  
**Author**: AbayJ  
**Rating**: K+ -- Just to be safe.  
**Disclaimer**: I own nada! Song belongs to Vertical Horizon.  
**Genre**: Drabble/Angst/Romance  
**Timeline**: 12/11 Eppy rewrite.  
**Fandom**: ATWT/CarJack  
**Summery**: Can they say goodbye again for good?  
**Warning**: I don't have a beta, mainly because I don't want to keep someone holding on for weeks when I finally get enough juices flowing to actually write something. So all mistakes, grammatical and spelling are mine alone. Sorry.  
**Author's Note**: My first CarJack pairing. I've watched ATWT off and on for years and there are few couples that can always pull me in again, Skate, CarJack, and Lusty. I saw the 12/11 eppy, and I started to ball. They belong together, Janet...Ugh, reminds me of Rose, who mind you, I loved but I don't want another one. Anyways, just a small songfic, kinda of a companion to my music video with the same song.

* * *

**Goodbye Again**

_I'm on the outside, looking in  
What do I see?  
So much of this left to begin  
Where would I be?  
I'm on the outside, looking in  
Cover me through this night_

"Goodbye." He whispered and I took a breath, not able to say the words because it wasn't goodbye. It was never goodbye with Jack, but this, this felt real. We've been here. Over and over again. Time and time again. It never lasted, it was never REALLY goodbye, but this felt like it.

He takes a step, I take one back. My head turning, not wanting to watch him walk away again. I fumble with the keys, my hand shaking. My mind flashing with memories. I want to toss it up be drunk, I knew that wasn't true though. I was lost. My True North was gone. The key finds the hole, I push, and stumble through. My eyes scanning the dark room.

There would be no more Jack and me. Ever. There would be no more family movies, pancake breakfasts, and no more sneaking afternoon delight on the couch. No more Jack and me.

It felt like a punch the gut and I stumbled, stumbled again, and finally crumbled. Burying my face into the carpet as the tears fall, as sobs rack my body, and the sense of being alone settles over me. It wasn't right. He was my love, my one true love. My one True North. Forever. And now, and now that was over. He was someone else love, he was someone else True North.

I wanted to get up, I wanted to throw something. I wanted to punch her in her pretty little face. I wanted to scream. I wanted to kiss him. Make him mine again.

"Carly..." I swear it's his voice, but it was goodbye time. He was gone, forever this time. But I felt my breath come back into my body when I heard that whisper. It wasn't so dark anymore, and I could find myself again. Because when he was around, I always felt like I was home. Like I had found my place in the world, and that was next to him. Our children and us together, and the world was right again in my mind.

_Guess I don't know what's, left to say  
But hear me out  
All of the dreams of, yesterday  
Keep breaking me down  
What's on the outside, can you say  
Or am I getting carried away_

His arms come around me and lift me again his chest, my arms go around his neck and flashes, like short snippets of films, float in and out of my head. Memories of him carrying me like this. To safety and to bed for our love making. Him holding our daughter just like this when she fell asleep against me on the couch. When our son hurt himself outside. When I fell and couldn't get up. His strength was what held me together. Pieces of me fell apart when he walked out the door every time, and each time he came back, I found those pieces. He made me whole.

"Jack, you're back." I whisper as I bury my face in his neck. Smelling him. The scent that was his alone. Male, soap, and the G-Man. My G-Man. "I knew you would." I whisper.

I don't know if he can hear me but I swear I hear him utter, "I'll always save you Carly." I want to believe he did. That he uttered those words but in my pain and alcohol induce fog, I'm not sure.

He walked into our room, memories float around me. Sighs, moans, gasps, and laughter. Just talking to him had been a pleasure in itself. Our days, the kids, our work. My frustration, his calming words. I feel fresh tears fall, his t-shirt becoming wet against my cheek.

I feel his arms loosen and I slowly slide down his body. Emotions, emotions that I didn't really want to feel start back. His body against mine, hot and hard. Mine wanting to share that heat, have it against me. I didn't care if he belonged to Janet now. I didn't care if he was getting married tomorrow. I wanted him. Now. His body connected to mine.

"Why?" I simply asked and he gave me a sigh. Looking away for a moment and when his lips moved, I felt the first wave, then the second hit me. I was going to throw up. Too much alcohol, and instead of being able to listen to his words, I run. Rushing to the bathroom. Remembering to slam the door, not sure why, but remembering to do so. He had seen me worst, but I didn't want him to see me like this right now.

"Carly...." He knocks as soon as I go to my knees and hug the porcelain God. "Carly, are you alright?"

All the answer he gets for seconds, maybe minutes, or possibly hours is my gags as I empty the contents of my stomach.

_It's in your mind  
It's in your eyes  
So it's goodbye again  
It's way past time  
For one last try  
So it's goodbye again  
Goodbye... again_

I look up, after I was sure I was done, and he was behind me. Holding my hair. I don't even remembering him coming in, or his touch. He steps away though and I grow cold at the sudden lost. I move up, scooting away from my best friend of the moment, and lean back against the far wall. His eyes follow me and he turns the water on. I close my eyes and lean my head against the coolness of the wall.

I must have dozed because I felt something cold on my cheek, washing my face for me, and I look up. "Feeling any better?" He asks and I shake my head. My hand reaching up to stop his but he brushes it away and finishes the job. Then throwing into the hamper. I wanted to laugh. He never used it before, but now, it seemed like it was so easy. It's irony actually. As soon as you trained a man, you lost him to some other slut that will take advantage of that training.

Janet. Just her name brings tears to my eyes. She was going to love my G-man. While I watched from the sidelines. She would experience moments with my children and Jack. Moments that I would have to miss. Ones that I should have with Jack and the kids. Me. Not her.

"Get changed. I left some pajamas for you." He tells me and then helps me up, bracing me against the wall. I hear his sigh as he leans close. I wanted to reach up, plant my lips of his but stop myself, just as he does. And he is abruptly gone. Out of sight.

This time, even if I knew he was right outside the door. If I made a call for him he would rush in. My G-Man always saved me. I moved to the sink looking at myself, tired, drunk, and so sad. Biting my lip, I reached for my toothbrush. His still next to mine, so easy everything had been before all of this. I brushed my teeth quickly, dropping it into the holder once more next to Jack's. Shaking my head, I wince for it though, I reach for the pajamas he left. A simple black cami and matching pants. Stripping, even my underwear, I slide on the silky garments. They felt comforting. How many times I had laid with Jack in our bed in these pajamas, felt him slowly slide them off my body, and then make love to me for hours.

I felt my womanhood heat and dampen at the memories. They weren't memories I should he be thinking of now. He was getting married tomorrow. To Janet. I nearly gag on the name again. I hated her.

_I'm getting on, but what's the use  
You know how I get  
I can't decide which is the truth  
At least not yet  
I got the feeling, that it's you  
What can be said, alone in this room  
No..._

I slowly open the door, aware that every creak it would make my head pound even worse. Moving towards where he was standing in front of our bed. His hair messy and floppy as if he had been running his hand through it one to many times. I stopped at the edge of the bed before crawling in. His eyes finding mine and we connected again. We always connected. No matter how many times I lied or how many times he pulled away, when we looked at each other, it was there. That connection.

"I should go now." He says, breaking the eye contact, breaking the connection. I reached out my hand though before he can go to far.

"Lay with me...please...one last time." I whispered and he looks like he would deny it and my hand almost dropped but he took it. Climbing into the bed next to me.

All the memories floated in and out of my head like a movie. The night at the boat house, our first time. The night we created Sage. The night he saved me from James Stenback. The day Sage was born. The day we married again. And the day he remembered me after his amnesia.

Remembered I was the woman he loved. If only it was so easy this time.

"Do you still love me?" I couldn't have stopped the words if I had tried. They fell out of my mouth before I could stop them. I probably didn't want to know the answer.

We faced each other on the bed and he sighed. His breath coating my face and I wanted to push myself closer. "Of course I do Carly." He whispered and reached his hand out. "I told you, loving you is a constant for me." I feel my breath hitch, tears stinging behind my eyes.

"Then why...why are you marrying her?" I felt his sigh again, he moved, flipping onto his back. Staring at the ceiling, one we had painted together. Making a mess and them tumbling on the floor, spreading pain to other parts of our bodies as we rolled together.

_It's in your mind  
It's in your eyes  
So it's goodbye again  
It's way past time  
For one last try_

_So it's goodbye again_

"We can't work. We never do." He mummer and I wanted to tell him no, that wasn't true. We could make this work. He and I...we could. make this work. He could stop me from making the mistakes...only he could.

"We can Jack, I love you...I love you like I've never loved anyone else. Completely." I move, slowly sliding up and straddling him. Pressing our bodies close together. I knew this was wrong, this wasn't what would make Jack change his mind but I had to do something. He couldn't marry that...that woman. He couldn't.

His hands went to my waist, to push me away but instead, he just held on. "I love you the same way Carly...with all my heart, but I can't do this anymore. I can't deal with the lies and the schemes. I want normal...I want normalcy."

My breath hitched again for the thousandth time. Shaking my head. He didn't want that. He didn't want normalcy, he wanted me. Us. Our family. I leaned down, our lips just a hair breath way. "You want this...this passion, tell me you have with her, tell me you have this heat with her."

"You know I don't." He mummered, one of his hand going to my hair. Pushing it back from my face. Our lips so very close to each other, so close I could feel his warm breath on my own. "How can I? How can anyone compare to this Carly?"

I smiled, feeling as if victory was so close to mine I could taste it, but I was wrong. Instead his hand slipped down from my cheek and back down to my waist. Flipping us so he was on top. I arched my hips and I could feel his desire for me.

"But, this isn't enough." He whispered and I felt the tears start to fall from my cheeks. It was goodbye again. This was another goodbye.

_Who wants you now?  
Maybe somebody else  
I'll wait around  
Maybe you'll forget you were ever here  
Maybe forget you were ever, never here_

I closed my eyes, not able to look at him. My hips relaxed and I went limp. Turning my head to the side and I swore I head the hitch in his breathing as well, as if this was killing him too. "Don't..don't Carly, please don't cry Carly." He whispered and his forehead went to mine. Leaning against it.

"I love you Jack, please...please don't marry her. I'll be better, I'll stop the lies...I'll do it. We can do it." My voice sounded so desperate. Hanging onto a sob as I said it.

"Carly...Carly we've done it, you've promised before." I felt something wet hit my cheek. It was his own tears and I sobbed again. Taking the breath right out of my lungs. "Ja...Janet and I are right for each other. We work." I shook my head a bit,; turning my head back around to face him. Seeing his eyes dripping tears just as mine was.

"You're willing to kill each other...die on the inside, both of us dead on the inside, because you two work." I whispered, another sob ripping from my body as I looked up at him. He just shook his head yes.

"Sometimes this is what you have to do." Then he was gone, his body was gone from mind and I felt more sobs rip from my body as I cried. The need to throw up back, making my stomach feel as if it had a lead weight inside of it.

_It's in your mind  
It's in your eyes  
So it's goodbye again  
It's way past time  
For one last try  
So it's goodbye again_

"I love you Carly." He said and I looked back at him. He wiped his eyes and took a deep breath, as if that would stop the pain. Then he took one step. Then another until he reached the door. I followed, sobs and tears flowing out of my body. Each step he took ripped another piece of my heart out of my chest, took another piece of my soul.

"I love you too Jack." I managed to get out between sobs.

"Goodbye Carly..." He whispered, so quiet, I barely heard it and then he was gone. The door opened and it shut.

"Goodbye Jack." I whispered and laid back down, holding his pillow to my chest. Tears soaking it as I hold it. "Goodbye Jack." I whispered into it again.

_Your falling out,  
I'm falling in  
So it's goodbye again  
It's way past time  
For one last try  
So it's goodbye... again  
So it's goodbye again_

* * *

**Author's Note Two**: Okay, this actually where I had been planning to take this story. I had planned on an happy ending instead of all this angst, but I finished this after a break up of my own, and this was where my muse lead me. Sorry, but maybe soon I'll write a happy CarJack fic when I'm happy again.


End file.
